Breaking the silence . . .

I have a playlist on my 4 year-old creative zen vision:m mp3 player called “songs of the moment”, obviously named. From 2006 to early 2007, one of those songs was Kirk Franklin’s “Let It Go”. I played it over and over, reflecting on what was going on in my life at the time. I even used a line that spoke to me for my email signature: “ . . .the pain was preparation for my destiny . . .“ A little later in 2007, it was replaced by Tonex’s “Make Me Over”. It too got played over and over, while I was dealing with more pain, especially on my lone rides to and from work. Two years later the song that got repeated over and over was “Moving Forward” by Israel Houghton. Its still there because I need that reminder sometimes: “Not going back/moving ahead/her to declare to you, the past is over in you/Things are made new/surrendering my life to Christ/I’m moving, moving forward”. I listened to it over and also because I believe it will get down in my spirit, and because frankly some days it doesn’t feel like I’m moving forward because I can’t see it.

I haven’t written a blog entry in over two years….mainly because I hit a huge brick wall that almost shut me down. Most of my previous entries here were like essays about things that I came across, some with obvious “religious/spiritual“ overtones, but others not so much, but still a part of being a “Kingdom citizen“. Some of them were commentaries on aspects of life or things that happen that affect the experience of being an eternal spirit living a temporary human experience. But now, the themes are going to take a personal tone, and perhaps that’s part of the reason why I’ve delayed so long in starting up again. Over the past few months, I’ve had a few brainstorming moments of new topics to write on, but still wouldn’t sit down to do it, because I felt stuck.

So here I am about to get personal, on the internet . . . about to become one of those people who I’ve shaken my head at while reading their personal private thoughts about goings-on in their life: weight-loss challenges, in-law problems, job woes, marital pressures, sexual habits/confessions, etc, posted online for anyone in the world who comes across them to read. Taking the risk that one day, after a job interview I’ll get a call from a hiring executive saying, “We’re sorry Miss May, but we found out that you have a blog online, and we think your views are religiously intolerant and don’t think you will be a good fit for us”.

So the main reason why I haven’t been writing is that I got hit with not one but two emotional freight trains in the fall of 2008: I was laid off at the end of September, and two weeks later heard a marital confession that resulted in my decision to file for divorce a few months later. I tried to keep up with my entries, and even wrote about my observations of the 2008 presidential election, in the midst of all that, but that was my last post. I’ve had a few comments on that post, some from anonymous cowards, but I was too busy coping with my life to bother to respond.

If someone had told me 10 years ago that in my late 30s (getting closer to 40) I would go through a 16 month layoff, a divorce, delayed motherhood, move back in with my (very loving) parents to re-build my life, I wouldn’t have believed them completely, but would have stored it away in the back of my mind. I would have dreaded it, and tried to pray it away, keep it from happening, wondering what I could do to make sure none of it came to pass. I guess its another reminder that none of us goes through life’s journey totally unscathed. No one. Some things happen because of choices we make, some things God allows to build us up and draw closer to Him, and some things are the work of what some Christians call “the enemy”, targeted attempts to derail us from our God-given purpose for being on this planet. If the past 2 ½ years are any indication, there must be something really great God has for me to because they sure have been horrendous to say the least.

But, as only the Lord can do it, in the past two years, I’ve also saw Him answer some prayers, and grant heart desires even while I’ve struggled with continuing to trust and believe Him, while I grappled with pain that sometimes seemed to hover like a cloud in those antidepressant commercials. Even while I’ve struggled inside with not giving up on my heart’s desires to come true. Even while I’m rejoicing over yet another promise about my family happening before my very eyes, and God gets all the glory.

So, what got me to break my silence? For one, a conversation with one of my brothers about two weeks ago had me confessing out loud to him why I have avoided fully re-connecting with some people that I love dearly -- I dreaded having those talks because I knew sooner or later, the topic of getting divorced, and what led up to it would come up and along with it feelings of inadequacy, comparing myself and my life to theirs and risking being subjected to well-meaning advice (what I sardonically call “forced encouragement”) that might touch a nerve. I also realized later while reflecting how that made me feel and the painful emotions it brought up, that avoiding some my friends and family was ultimately adding more to my hurt, and in turn keeping me stuck at this stage of healing. I can admit now out loud that I am still healing, and that’s OK. While I’m healing, I continue to remind myself that although I am in my late 30s, now divorced, with no kids, with dreams not yet fulfilled, I am re-building my life. The other thing that spurred this is I learned, via the wonderful world of social networking late last week, that “the ex” has done the ultimate “moving on“. Admittedly it came as a surprise, but as I always say, “life goes on“, the world didn’t stop when I found it, and isn’t going to stop.

In the meantime, I must continue to move forward, with God’s help. That has to take place if I want God’s purpose to come forth in my life. I must allow Him back in the places where I have shut Him off, albeit un-intentionally. While I'm re-building and renewing my relationship with God, I will rejoice in the success and victories of others, knowing that when mine manifest, they will celebrate with me as well.

Matters of the Heart

"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it [are] the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23

"Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate." Psalms 143:4

"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." Psalms 147:3

So, its been three weeks...I'm back at home, adjusting into my new job, and although I didn't want too much time to pass between posts, I also didn't want to "force" things, such as posting something for the sake of posting. A few noteworthy items caught my attention, such as the visit of Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Columbia University, and the resulting furor it caused. I considered writing about something that I only learned last year, which is this man considers himself the one who will introduce the world to the Islamic Messiah, the 12th Imam, or the Mahdi. I will explore that at a later time, because I'm certain many saints, especially in the US, aren't aware of this. Were it not for the ministry of Evangelist Perry Stone, who is great teacher of the Hebraic/Jewish roots of Christianity, I would probably still be totally unaware of this. However, I decided to reserve this for another time.

Which brings me to my topic ...matters of the heart, where to begin? ... The last few years of being single, I became a mini-crusader of sorts, and made it a point to encourage other single people I knew. I was on the email list of a few ministries that targeted the single audience, and their somewhat unique place in the Christian world. Churches often target married people, and young people, i.e, teenagers and college students, in specialized ministry groups within their local bodies, but singles in some church circles, have a weird place in that microcosm.

I still have a special place in my heart for single people, but I'm no longer at the place in my life where I can say I "totally relate" because I'm not single. Those years, however, even though they may have been few according to some people, were integral in my emotional, mental and spiritual maturing. My attention, after getting married, naturally turned to seeking out ministries that "cater" to married people ..but I haven't been as willing to share what I learn or come across with others, admittedly because of my own fear that it will arouse concern in friends/family at best, and suspicion about my marital state at worst.

But let me get back to the heart ... It is often used as a symbol of love... However, I like to think of it as having a dual role... both in the matters of love, but more importantly as a symbol of the soul, specifically the condition of the soul. The word heart is mentioned 833 times in the bible and many times the context in which its mentioned is that of the thoughts, intentions, motives. When one thinks of heart matters... relationships come to mind as well...

We've seen "matters of the heart" play out, unfortunately, in public all too many times. Recently, the national spotlight has been on the "heart matters" between two "powerhouse" couples in the Pentecostal/Charismatic vein of Christianity, much to the chagrin of many, that played out on the world's stage. Prophetess Juanita Bynum broke her silence two weeks after the much publicized beating at the hands (and feet) of her husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks. The very next day, Randy and Paula White announced to their church that they are divorcing after 18 years of marriage. I haven't read or heard much being said about Paula and Randy as I have about Juanita Bynum and Bishop Weeks.

Both Bynum and Weeks have been roundly criticized by "average joes" in the church, other ministries, and secular personalities as well. Frankly, some of them have made some valid points. For instance, this past Sunday, BET aired a hour program called Exalted and this weeks subject was Prophetess Bynum. Her family and close friends were interviewed, and they all had wonderful things to say about her. Of course, the recent events in her life were also profiled. I couldn't help but to agree with one minister's comment that above all else she is concerned about Bynum's public appearances since the beating and that Prophetess Bynum is not taking care of herself. A minister named Jonathan Walton also posted an open letter to her on his blog about her recent crusade as the new face of domestic violence. Read this post on his blog as well. Again, I'm not taking sides, but he does have some valid points, and openly asks what others have been saying in secret and in other blogs all over the web. Bishop Weeks apparently broke his silence recently as well at a recent press conference, as seen here. I have no doubt both thier hearts are hurting... and hurting both figuratively and literally ...

I remember the times when I experienced that fleeting, funny niggling thing in my heart times something hurtful was said or done in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. It dawned on me at some point that "heartbreak" is quite literal and really can be felt. It's no secret that marriage is under attack, and the fact that Christian marriages fail at about the same rate as marriages between non-Christians is disheartening to say the least. One couple, Mark and Kathy Davisson, have turned a horrendous marriage into happy, fulfilling one and now minister to other couples to help them do the same. Take a read through thier website, and see they are making a difference one couple at a time.

I'm on this couples email list, and have shared their newsletter once with other young marrieds like me, and also a few single people. The trials of the aforementioned couples have not escaped their notice either...but something in their most recent letter really caught my eye, and it got me to thinking about matters of the heart.. and as it turns out, that little thing I felt in my heart during times of deep emotional hurt, wasn't something to take lightly. They mentioned a recently published NY Times article which stated the findings of a recent study about how marital spats affect both men and women was published, and as it turns out, keeping quiet during an argument damages women, but not men.

Some highlights:
"But women who didn’t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine."

"'When you’re suppressing communication and feelings during conflict with your husband, it’s doing something very negative to your physiology, and in the long term it will affect your health,' said Elaine Eaker, an epidemiologist in Gaithersburg, Md., who was the study’s lead author. 'This doesn’t mean women should start throwing plates at their husbands, but there needs to be a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate.'" -- a state the Davisson's call "being emotionally safe".

Science is proving what the Word of God has said all along -- one's emotional state not only affects the soul, but it also plays itself out in the body. Sinking feelings in your stomach, butterflies in the stomach, stabbing pains in the heart in response to emotional stress is the body's way of letting us know the mind-body connection is indeed real.

As I related in another post, prolonged states of emotional stress, shutting down own's emotions, stuffing your feelings, whatever you want to call it, affects us internally, and if not dealt with, not only darkens the soul, but afflicts the body as well. Pastor Henry Wright of Pleasant Valley Church of Thomaston, Georgia has proven this over and over in the ministry God has given him which addresses the roots of disease. On his biography page he states "Today, Psychology is the fruit of that frustration as an attempt to manage the diseases of the soul (emphasis mine) through therapy and drugs." Listen to a radio interview (week one) Sid Roth conducted with him over two weeks (week two), and you will no doubt come away enlightened about how deeply our emotions affect us. One thing that stood out to me -- unforgiveness is often the emotional root cause of cancer.

I've experienced some emotionally trying things in my own life recently, and get concerned about the unknown effects they may be having on my body. Because of what I've learned intellectually, I know I have to go the Lord, cry out to Him and allow His spirit to heal my figurative heart, and also whatever unknown damage has occured in my body. My prayer is that you, dear reader,do the same, not just for yourself, but for others, especially other women, who you know who have damaged hearts that have not begun to heal.